Philosophy is like masturbation. Everyone likes doing it, but most of us don’t really want to see other people do it.

Every morning, I face the mirror and tie my tie. I try to beat myself at tie tying, but it’s always a tie.

“There’s no such thing as bad publicity.” -some douchebag

The pot SHOULD be the one to call the kettle black. Who else knows more about being black than the pot?

Can a hipster reference a band so obscure even HE hasn’t heard of it?

Hm. The iPhone 6 has so many Next Generation Technologies. How about a This Generation Security?

The iPhone 6: Oh, yes. It is very different. It’s bigger in some ways, smaller in others, and the numbers just keep going up and up!

The iPhone 6: we changed it, so now it’s different.

So, I’m a Ph.D. now. I presume my jokes will get significantly more esoteric, like the early Dennis Miller sets you’ve probably never heard…

I did the ice bucket challenge and felt like the luckiest man in the world.

There’s no rule dogs can’t play basketball! … But it is fairly heavily implied, so: no.

An arsonist set a blaze to the hotel for the APSA meeting in DC. I bet they were hoping a position would open up if someone got fired.

“Statistically, someone who has Impostor syndrome must actually be an impostor.” –The depressed guy who stole my social security number.

Why did I bring a fork to a burrito fight?

Aristotle’s second wife, Herpyllis, has the most unfortunate name for any person I’ve ever heard.

On the NC/SC border, there’s a tourist trap called “South of the Border.” It’s like, “Welcome to South Carolina, here’s some racism!”

Whenever I meet a psychology major who loves Carl Jung, I’m like, “pfft! How archetypical.”

I used to hate Stockholm, but I was snowed in recently and I love it now.