Crushed it, WaPo.

I probably shouldn’t have done Amateur Night at the Fugu restaurant.

I can take the perfect tools for a job and somehow, using only my wits and knowledge, mess it up. I’m Inverse MacGuyver.

Anti-Vaxxer CEO I met on the plane: “i just ask questions. I surround myself with people smarter than me.” Me: “Doesn’t that just.. Happen?”

I’m 30!!!

At 4:32, I lolled. By 1:59, I understood. After midnight, I knew I’d never be the same again. #trollclickbait

Bad puns are the mental equivalent of a kick to the groin. Sorry, I meant a PUNch to the groin.

My aunt used to be a nun, but she got out of the habit.

1: Oh, cool. I love your name. 2: Thanks, my parents gave it to me for my birthday.

I was just an amateur crastinator, but I’ve decided I’m going pro.

If it’s wrong to earn a lot of money and power by your evil actions, then I don’t want to be right.

Use a random number generator to decide final grades. #academicbucketlist

“There’s a lot to be said about silence.” – Girlfriend #foundhumor

Personal trainer tried to sell me $10k worth of sessions. Obviously, she’s never met my accountant… who is a very jealous gym buddy.

My lady friend is coming to visit. I’m going to have to clean my man cave of any left over bat guano.

Canadian: I visited… I don’t know how to say it. Australian: Kahn-s. You can’t say that word. That’s our word. #overheardincoffeeshop

He orders his coffee medium roast, with half-n-half, and a medium amount of sugar. He’s the Least Interesting Man in the World.

Fun fact: The lack of Latino writers in Hollywood robbed us of a sixth season of the Wire. Think about it.