My friend tells me Cruz supporters are called #cruzcontrollers, but that hashtag is weak. They should be called #cruztaceans or #cruzodiacs.

Bernie has BernieBros. Hillary has Hillbots. Trump has Trumpeters & Trumpkins. What are other supporters called? Crustaceans? Kasichophants?

Today I learned that there are very few good places to do jumping lunges. The elevator is not one of them.

Snow is like cloud pollen. You can’t be allergic to it, but it does make you cold.

Trump showed us that you can only have a clown car for so long before the Joker shows up.

1: I like how we always finish each other’s… 2: … I don’t know what you want me to say. How about: “terrible joke set ups?”

Email is my least favorite form of communication. And I’m including ransom notes.

I’ve seen Memento a thousand times and each time it’s like I’m watching it for the first time.

Me: Hey, Daniel, what’s up? Daniel: Hey, how’s it going? Me: new number, who dis? I’m bad at texting.

1: I’m not making good decisions today. That’s it: I’m deferring all of my future decisions to you. 2: That was a bad decision.

I wish somebody had taken the sports almanac away from @realDonaldTrump.

Yeah, it’s March Madness, but if my team is eliminated, it’ll soon be April Apathy.

I know pi to ten THOUSAND digits… I mean not in order, of course, that would be too impressive.

Who are the Bernie Bros of the right? Cruz Crusaders? Rubio Rubes? Trump Trash? #gopdebate

My to-do list is so long, I started making a list of all of the people I was disappointing daily. I didn’t finish it, which disappointed me.

They’re building a replica of the Titanic and selling tickets for its maiden voyage. Won’t they ever let it go?

Reno: we’re at the borderline between a big little city and a little big city, so we have a strict one-in-one-out policy.

The best part of working in Reno is that, if my luck holds, I get to double my salary every month!