If I don’t like the #debate, can I get a rebate?

Smelling salts haven’t really been as popular since they invented tasting salts.

Japanese toilets have every option except for two-ply. #gaijinproblems #japan

Movie poker is so unrealistic. The hero always wins with a pocket Royal Flush. Not like the off-suit Jack-high hands I usually lose to.

Guy at Starbucks is singing & muttering in a corner: “white liberals” and “get ‘em Donald!” If I didn’t think he was crazy before, I do now.

New England is becoming less and less religious. People are leaving mass en masse in Mass.

Hey, @realdonaldtrump, this infographic may be very useful for you:

I’ve lost 20 pounds. Not because of diet or exercise, just xenophobia. #brexit

The only time to be neutral about combining drugs with sports is when you take acid while BASE jumping.

I never see Dipping Dots anymore. The ice cream of the future is the ice cream of the past.

I just realized the word ‘awkward’ is an awkword.

From Rome, all roads lead out. #reverseidioms

I have a resting sleep face.

This may be the stupidest, least charitable article I have ever read. And that’s being very charitable.

I swear if I see me retweet another one of my own tweets, I’m going to unfollow myself!

The @nra conveniently grades politicians. F is the highest grade, right?

I have a vacation message set up on my email this month. It says, “New email, who dis?”

We have a mental health problem in the U.S. The problem is that we are living in denial over how easy it is for people to get guns.