3. Cheese disgusts me and always has.

2. I don’t believe in bread. I think we should get rid of it. We’ve already perfected tortillas, why keep bread around?

This is a list of the best foods in the world: 1. Burritos 2. See #1

My spell check has a ‘guess’ function. Why in the world would my spell check have a ‘guess’ function?

Martin Shkreli looks like a wedgie feels. #martinshkrelijokes

Hotel California would let @MartinSkhreli leave. #martinshkrelijokes

It would make me so happy if I could hurt @MartinSkhreli’s feelings. He has them, I assume.

When I was young, if you wanted to drunk dial, you had to find a pay phone first.

I sneezed and people acknowledged me. #blessed

Hannity has all the hard questions. I don’t know why people don’t just call Hannity and ask him. He’s right there.

Reminder: The ‘Alt-Right’ is not all right.

I’ve just learned I’ve been using ‘that’ and ‘which’ wrong my entire life. Huh. What do you think of which?

The videos of #NoDAPL protests being attacked by police make me sick. Freedom of Assembly is in the first amendment. 🙁

After this election, the Fourth Estate is in foreclosure.

Testosterone is negatively correlated with empathy. I’m sorry guys: I wish I knew (or cared) what it was like for you all to hear that.

I have a habit of shooting from the hip and straight into my foot.

This is the worst collection of inability & ignorance ever gathered at the White House-with the exception of when the Brits burned it down.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that “Alt-Right” rhymes with “Halt! Reich!”?