It’s fun living in Canada, where my health insurance policy is not just luck.

Christie, “out of convenience, she put our country at risk.” Hm. It seems like he’s attacking her out of convenience. #gopdebate

I rarely name my mixed drinks, but I think I’ll call this one “the 13th Step.”

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark had a higher rate of turn over in its performers than in its audience.

This is a state that neither I nor my early 2000’s computer knew existed. I wasn’t Delaware.

This stand says “Lemonade,” but they have no lemonade. I guess when life doesn’t give you lemons, you can just pretend to make lemonade.

Roommate: If you don’t see me tomorrow, it means I’m dead. Me: I’ll be sure to wear a blindfold all day, then.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. They don’t point out that it’s also the simplest form of mockery.

1: You’re frustratingly agreeable. 2: I know! But I can change.

I just update the signature on my email: “Sent from my iPhone, please excuse any typ9s.”

Captain America is always chasing someone or being chased by someone, which is so implausible because These Colors Don’t Run. Someone should make red, white, and blue pantyhose, because These Colors Don’t Run. I guess what I’m saying is that…

1: I’m like dyslexic, but of speaking. 2: You mean speech dyslexia? 1: That’s what I said! 2: Yeah, but you had it all flipped around.

1: You keep saying I fell down the cliff, but it was a controlled descent. 2: What was controlling it, gravity?

Jared would have gotten a heavier sentence had he not lost so much weight at Subway.

Reminder: The Dyslexics Anonymous meetings will be Tuesdays and Thursdays at 12 p.m. and 1:20 p.m. in rooms 2107 and 2017, respectively.

Donald Trump is really good at starting sentences. #gop #gopdebate #debates

Donald Trump’s greatest weakness: “I will remember this question and blast you on Twitter for this.”

Jeb Bush’s greatest weakness, “I’m impatient…. move on to the next candidate now.”