“Hi babby” “Oh, shiv, I meant ‘baby’!” “Oh, shut, I meant ‘shit’! “Oh no!!! How embarrassing???” “Oh no, I meant ‘!!!’ !!!” #autocorrectfail

I put my friend’s cat in a box with a flask of poison attached to a radioactive source. It was both a theoretical joke and a practical one.

“In this town, you can find a mansion next to a house built from old garage doors.” – Daniel Davenport

Taco Bell and nothing else are a dangerous combination.

It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools. Of course, it’s a poor craftsman that can’t afford good tools in the first place.

I have two university crests on my CV. One is for my alma matter and the other is for my alma patter.

I want to make a cop movie in which competing cops search for drug money. I’ll call it The Good Cop, the Bad Cop, and the Ugly Cop.

Cambridge feels like bad prosopagnosia. All of the men look like Draco Malfoy. And all of the women look like Severus Snape.

How do you train to be a method actor? Do you just be a method actor?

I like London because it has burritos and… Well, it had me at burritos.

My first meal in London is a burrito because my diet has the diversity of… Oh, let’s say London.

When white people dance it looks like Brownian motion.

Everything is made up of atoms. Well, except for subatomic matter, if you want to be particular.

This picture should not be blown up larger than a thumbnail. It has the resolution of a drug addict at Charlie Sheen’s New Year’s party.

3D is the mullet of movie technology.

2: Here’s some packets of Equal, now we’re Even. 1: No we’re not. 2: Hm.. that’s Odd.

2: “I don’t keep things from you!” 1: “You don’t? The only thing I really know about you is your name!” 2: “Yeah, well… most of it.”

Those polka dots look like your clothes caught small pox.