Gwenyth Paltrow should name her next kid Orange. Only… then she wouldn’t be able to compare her kids.

Bartender, do you have Diet Coke on tap? Or just bottled?

I love how nobody at the gym changes the channel. I’m going to get here early and set it to Oxygen more often!

It’s duck-rabbit season!

I hate it when people wake me up at a reasonable hour.

I don’t like alcohol, but always drink in social situations. I always succumb to Beer Pressure.

How sexist were the Muppets?? I even count Ms. Piggie as part of the sausagefest… For obvious reasons.

Chalupa is Mexican restaurant slang for “I forget what this is really called.”

Since I didn’t do so hot in undergrad, so I had to go back for another few years. Yeah, I’m in remedial grad school.

It’s like the truth, only falser.

Is it kosher to have a gift exchange for your birthday?

What is the sound of one man high-fiving? “Clap.”

I’m so much wittier if I can repeat a comment in my head for several hours. In other words, I’m funnier on twitter.

“I’m growing Mutton chops.” “… well, that’s a… decision.” “Well… that’s a… comment.”

I’m growing mutton chops. Why? Because I like looking in the mirror and getting a cheap laugh.

If I ever had to smuggle drugs in my butt, I think I’d use a “Ribbed For Her Pleasure” condom.

“We’ll need a lot of things for our Eurotrip. 1: a German/English Dictionary. 2: an Italian/German Dictionary. 3: a duffle bag of condoms.”

Next tweet is courtesy of my friend Daniel.