I’m also just about the only guy I know who’d be willing to date a girl taller than himself. Of course that’s basically just WNBA players.

She’s got more red flags than the Spanish Armada.

Day 3: finger still purple and fat, but I can bend it 60 degrees now without passing out. So I’d say it’s a lot better now.

Sometimes I hate being alone with myself. I get in my own head & fill it with lies. I want to get away, but can’t: He knows where I live.

Turns out if someone with a blocked profile @’s you, you’ll never hear about it. This… This makes me so happy.

If you tweet in a secret twitter account with protected tweets and no followers, does it make a sound? No. Of course not.

She’s the kind of person you go home with, not the kind of person you go home to.

She’s the kind of person you take home, not the kind of person you bring home.

Nobody else here would date a girl older than them. But I’d totally date a girl 20-30 years older. I love expiration dating

I threw out my finger because I was flipping people off wrong.” “That’s your ring finger.” “OK, so I was flipping people off REALLY wrong.”

This song reminds me of bad times. Specifically, times in which I had to listen to this song.

I figured out why I’m gaining weight: I’ve been eating meal replacement bars AND the meal they’re replacing.

I gained seven pounds in the last four weeks. That’s it! No more protein!

If I could only ever have one type of food, burritos would be it. If I could have two, they’d both still be burritos.

I never keep my daily To Do list. So what? I mostly keep my yearly To Do list and I make sure I live up to my To Be list.

I just took a drink of a glass of water coated in pollen because I left out overnight. Yeah, I swallowed.

Kosher Lobster: they never fed on the bottom!!

I never end my sentences with prepositions. Usually I just end them with periods.