Even my best friends think I’m a stranger. Of course, some of them think I’m the strangEST.

It is a good idea to ask what children want to be when– but not if– they grow up.

Someone should make a list of products Randy “Macho Man” Savage should not advertise. E.G. Baby powder, tampons, Count Chocula…

I don’t have anything to do today except “Be Awesome” and I already did that.

I didn’t say she had game. I just said she played you.

I give the best bad advice any friend can give. Hey – if you’re going to do it anyway, you might as well do it right.

I’m giving @Jeromio bad advice because that’s what friends are for.

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”

The worst part about having a broken finger is that fist bumps are– for the first time ever– painful now.

The joke in the last tweet is that I hate high fives. You probably didn’t get that. But if you did, we should totally fist bump.

The worst part about having a broken finger is that high fives are slightly more painful now.

Is it impolite to crash a honeymoon?

“Act as if long enough and eventually you become.” – Fran Fuller, my 9th grade drama teacher. Just heard it again in my Plato class.

NO FINAL PAPER FOR MY INDEPENDENT STUDY!! HUZZAH!! HUZZAH!! Take THAT people that do work for your classes!

There was a time when I could have claimed to have read every work in turtle evolution. But then again, I used to be a pathological liar.

Looking forward to doing some classical jazz for karaoke this week.

It reads like a book you just can’t (wait to) put down.

Just saw Boondock Saints II. I should have just rewatched the first one so that I could have gotten something new out of it