Welcome to the fourth annual edition of “the Eli’s.” For those of you newbies, “the Eli’s” is an award show that was made up to make me feel better about not getting any other awards. The rules are simple: I…

This grab bag forced by the hands of Seth and Aeger. Lame? You want lame? I made a hierarchy of lame! Ironing underwear, living with your parents, chatting online, Klingon conventions, and finally, making a list of the hierarchy of…

Gabe the Sacriligious Beaver here with an insightful thought experiment. The question of the week is: Do you remember how I told you that sometimes I repeat stories? This is one of those and it’s not something as light and…

I suppose we’ll never know who lucky #5000 was. *sigh* On the other hand, I’m a dollar richer.

Hmm… I didn’t believe I was actually going to make it to 5000 views in 17 days, but now it’s a near certainty. I blame it on the six hundred unique page views of one lonely Saturday (Seriously. WTF? I…

How Often Should I Post? Constantly More Often About as Often Less Often Never As often as you feel inclined, who are we to judge? As often as I check your page, no more, no less. Pollhost

It came to me one day in a ravishing illumination yesterday: humans are outside my moral sphere of consideration. Consider this: I believe that pleasure and pain have value in themselves (positive and negative, respectively). I believe that the ethical…

Oh, what the hell? Might as well go for gold. The following is made up on the spot (or as close to the spot as I can get) so as to not lose face to Seth, who threatens to steal…

Hey Gabe, Do you want to write a review of Conception Day 2005? Were you there? Circa. 400 words. Can’t promise to publish it – but if you are as good as you say you are – then I prob.…

1: Have you ever seen Total Recall? 2: Yeah, but I can’t remember it. Oh my gosh! I need SPF 40, they have 60 Watt lightbulbs in there! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is two…

Have I ever told you all about my hidden racism towards white people? I mean, I don’t hate all white people, just whitey in general. But I say it like I do. I go around Klansmen and make jokes that…

And now, an argument for why these phrases should be said. “You can trust me.” — Picture the following situation: Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are fighting vampires that have cornered them into a treehouse from which there is no…

Gabe the Recursive Beaver here with the question of the week: who would win in a hacky-sack match to the death between Spiderman and Daredevil? Think about that when you’re living your boring, boring life and doing you’re boring, boring…

Simp: You’re terrible to study with! Pixel: I know, why do you think I never try it! You can’t leave him alone! You know how he gets when he’s by himself! He just eggs himself on! And now, to go…

Have you ever just wanted to be rude and yell at someone for no reason? I mean, they haven’t done anything to you, but that’s the problem. You want to rattle their cages, but you don’t really want them to…

So I drove in Australia yesterday. Yup. Me. After that mysterious and carefully ignored incident, I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to let me drive, but alas, someone was too tired to know better and let me.It’s funny…