“I’m from the most popular port city in south France.” “Oh, that’s Nice.”

Cryptic tweets are the best! … Or are they?

To be a hypocrite, you have to actually say something.

“For that job I am an equal opportunity employer.” – Park

Life lesson: never lean against the sink while washing your hands.

One needs not have responsibility to be responsible.

Saying ATM machine is too wordy. From now on, I’m just going to say ATMM.

I have an anger problem this time of year. Being out in the sun for very long just makes me so hotheaded.

The best dissertation defense is a good dissertation offense.

Price, Price! … Wait, is it cool if I call you Price? Are we on a last name basis yet?

Things that don’t bother me about beer: bad for liver, empty calories, affects sleep quality, dehydrates. Things that do: contains estrogen

Having a good memory has brought me nothing but profit and pain.

Let’s just say I wouldn’t choose her as a target if I were a thief, rapist, or killer… Definitely not if I were a rapist.

I should stop taking out my sword to answer the door, but how else should I deal with the FedEx guy or Jehovah’s Witnesses?

It’s my brother’s birthday today. I’m going to spend the day trying to come up with an excuse for why I didn’t call him.

I love coming to a place where everybody knows your face.

“How’ve you been?” she asked. “Surviving,” he lied.

Note to self: next St. Paddy’s day, bring food coloring.