Sorry, we don’t have Miller Lite, but we can pee into a cup for you, if you like.

If I were a lawyer who just made partner, I’d yell “Giddyup!”

2(Wrongs) ? Right . Good to know. They also don’t equal “fish.” What I wanna know is what Does equal Right.

I used to be glad I made all my worst mistakes with people I never really saw again. Now I wonder if that means something…

What are white hairs doing on my scalp?? I thought my epidermal apartheid policy was fairly clear, follicles!

I think it’d be more impressive if Superman could leap tall buildings in multiple bounds. Leaping isn’t cumulative!

I wish citation numbers were corrected for relevant fraction of paper cited.

“Are you guys dating now?” “No, we’re holding hands now. We date in the evenings.”

I’m glad I have friends that prevent me from being irrational sometimes. But where were you all on Pi Day??

I just don’t get this explanation of humor.

That TV show on design is so gawdy.

This article on creativity is the same old thing.

This book on writing has too many typos.

I have successfully cooked pasta! Kids: Tonight we eat like kings.

My response to the census is required by law? My warning letter said no such thing! I feel unprepared.

I like going to the gym and asking bodybuilders if they mind if I change the channel from ESPN to Dora the Explorer.

Is too little too soon worse than too much too late? You’ll have to ask your mom. (OH!!)

I prefer to think of it as driving while texting.