It’s not TV, it’s HBO… oh, wait, it actually is TV.

I have arrived at my brother’s place in North Carolina, alive… Yeah, I’m kinda disappointed too.

Fayetteville is weird. I thought i was going the wrong way because all the signs weren’t facing me, but they all said ‘wrong way.’

I know there are mad scientists, but are there any furious scientists?

She blinded me with science: hydrochloric acid.

In Georgia. No Russian tanks yet. Good. Got that, Russia? Wait till i get out of Atlanta to resume bombing activitiez.

I’d die for free speech, but i’d prefer to speak for free life.

I can take a kick to the groin like a man: huddled over gasping for air and weeping slightly.

When i end up in prison, facing imminent torture and death, i want to write my seminal work exploring the human condition: The Fluffy Penguin.

Louisiana just gave me the boot. Remind me to avoid florida.

Wow, i’ve made it to central texas and not died yet… I think that’s a bad omen.

I think I just got engaged via text message … And I wouldn’t put it past either of us to go through with it… Heh, tres magnifique.

If she had asked me this time last year, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

My stupid, stupid cousin: “My cell phone doesn’t know how to spell enough. Look: E-N-U-F-F. It doesn’t even give it as an option!”