You want me out of your life. That’s cool, I want me out of my life, too.

Being sick is the worst. I want to die slightly more than usual.

1: what do you do on weekends? 2: it varies. Like, last weekend, I accidentally killed then quickly buried a hitchhiker. 1: … 2: *realizing what I said* oh no. I’m sorry, that was two weekends ago!

You get sent back in time and have to figure out how to convince your parents who you are. How would you do it? I would tell dad jokes.

You think ceiling fans are important. Show me a ceiling fan that’s not attached to a ceiling.

I need to be more concise and… STOP.

It’s #PiDay2019! In honor of the day, I learned all the digits to pi. Just not in the right order.

“Time to move on.” -Person who will not move on for a long time

Hey everybody! They finally figured out why we’re like this!! “Study suggests humor could be an emotion regulation strategy for depression”

Did I just lose an hour??? – me, everyday on Twitter

David Perell: “The internet has a recency bias. Old ideas aren’t resurfaced enough. We’re obsessed with what’s happening right now. Articles, blog posts, interviews, documentaries. You name it. The world needs older ideas.” Now is my time to shine.

I used to hate my life until I realized that’s for other people to hate.

Same, baby. Same.

Reporter: Baby, baby, you just came into this world. What do you think about existence? Baby: *cries*

Always the drunk dialer, never the drunk dialee

Judas: wait, so did I! Jesus: yeah, that’s what you get!

Jesus: drink of this red wine, for it is my blood. Mary Magdalene: but I’m having white wine. *Jesus giggles*

I’m going to try to think one positive thought about myself every day. Today’s thought was: I have protons.