Does Superman have the most devastating flatulence?

Valentine’s day came and went; I did neither.

Your spy name is your favorite president’s first name followed by your favorite type of gold. Your spy number is the age at which you last wet the bed in a three-digit format. Mine is Franklin Tooth, 006.

Two wrong decisions don’t make a right decision. Me: Oh no

1: I’m you, from the future! 2: Oh wow! What happens to me then? 1: As if you don’t know: you ruined my life! I’ve come back to kill you!

#improvedimprov 1: You should look at nature, it’s more beautiful than looking at your phone all the time. 2: Nah, I’ve seen all of nature’s junk.

I think I need a hashtag for this.. it’s basically a bunch of things I didn’t say at improv, but wish I had… #improvedimprov?

1: I’m you— from the future! 2: You… you look horrible, what happened?? 1: I know! I came back to warn you— Time travel takes years off your life.

1: I’m you from the future! 2: How did you come back? And why?? 1: Isn’t it obvious? I want to run a train on myself.

Rum is my spirit animal spirit.

It’s snowing. I’m going to stay off the roads. These people can’t even drive when it’s *cloudy* out.

Hello kids, I’m Lixep the Unconquerable!!! Oh, sorry— force of habit. How embarrassing. I’m actually Pixel the Unconquerable.

Suffering a migraine while seeing a psychiatrist: “it’s all in your head” I KNOW THAT, KAREN

The only things I know in this town are the office, my house, a grocery store, three or so bars, and new depths of despair.

I got into a heated scrabble fight about which letters were the most overrated. I was like, “FUCK U.” And he said, “No, FUCK Q.”

“Mark Warner introduces the Stop STUPIDITY (Shutdowns Transferring Unnecessary Pain and Inflicting Damage In The Coming Years) Act, which would fund all of the government except the WH and Congress to stop further shutdowns“ It’s crazy how the acronym spells…

I am proud to say I was never onboard with teenagers.

She called me acute guy. Well, technically she said my face was angular.