Internet Hippo’s tax plan: “My tax plan is, if you have over a billion dollars we’ll tax you until you don’t.” $1.9 Trillion dollar revenue increase there. I endorse Hippeconomics.

Now type “I died” and let your Predictive Keyboard write your epitaph. I died in the past and it was so hard to find out what I had to worry about when it happened.

Dudes in their 20s talking about how much they drink or lift become men in their 70s talking about their bowel movements. Don’t @ me dudes.

Two dozen octopuses crawled to shore en masse and no one knows why. 24 is divisible by 8, so this checks out.

Paul Manafort, accused of being a unregistered foreign agent, used ‘Bond007’ as his password. Dammit. ‘Bond007,’ of course! Suddenly, my ‘agentjames’ password seems dumb.

The Germans might call it wissenschaftfremdschämen In Finnish, it might be tiede myötähäpeä

Y’all act like automatic weapons have no place in society. But what if you’re hunting automatic deer?

The happiest day measured in Twitter history was Christmas 2009. I remember that day… Ahh, when we all got ponies!

Limits on 1st amendment: • no incitement to imminent, lawless action • no libel/slander/defamation of character Limits on 2nd: • no tanks

Or the ppl who delet twits be cuz they mad aspelling Eror

Baby Boomers: They were given everything. They took everything.

Unpopular conspiracy theories. The Lindbergh baby shot Kennedy.

I know his real name is @TuckerCarlson, but how do I say that politely?

Okay, admit it. Who else was surprised @tedcruz enjoys watching human sex?

Keep Dreamers, deport Nazis.

Damn it, @wokecuck is taken. I nearly changed my user name.

Do people in Vancouver call it the ‘couv? I may be very tired because it is 3 am for me and the world disagrees.

Me, as a guest on tv: I just want to say, “hi mom!” She knows who she is.