I’m going to start keeping a Super To Do list. I’m tired of not caring when I don’t accomplish anything.

Worst thought experiment ever: Assume you’ve lived your life up until now and you can’t change the past in any way. How do you feel?

Do you mind if I call you dude? Or should I stick with Mr. Dude?

Can something be an elaborate farce if you just threw it together with duct tape and spackle? This is the question America wants answered.

Time is money, but you’ll notice that the reverse is not true.

Note: If you are drunk and your friends are taking you home, you can call ‘shotgun,’ but it is inadvisable for you to call ‘driver.’

He died of autoerotic asphyxiation. But at least he died doing what he loved.

It’s not everyday that you get to hang out with Gil Harman.. Although I guess it is for him.

I want to stop and smell the roses, but I just don’t have the time.

Boo emotivism!

Some people light their cigars with $100 bills. But I’m so rich, I light my cigars with checks for $1000.

Remember when they used to say we’d never elect a black president? Well, guess what? As of right now- we are halfway there!

I’ve had a joke ready for months and now I finally get to use it. Stay tuned to this channel in the morning for some hilarity.

My new concept novel hit a crippling bump today. How do you write something when you have no possible way of knowing where it’s going?

I have a roommate!? In related news- i’m no longer broke!?

I have deduced that induction is wrong, but I have inductive support that deduction is useless!

Nothing I say is to be air quoted without my permission.

How do you shift into work mode? I just can’t seem to get into gear. Maybe I should have gotten my transmission looked at over the break.