“Every day each of us says the dumbest thing we are going to say that day.” Can I have seconds?

“Did you like how I verbed that word?”

I need — my timing.– to work on––

Next time I run into a person with a useful profession, I’m going to say, “Engineering, huh? What are you going to do with that? Teach??”

Yes, I’m pursuing a higher education, but it’s a low-speed pursuit.

I have a round of Swiss cheese that is composed entirely of holes.

He doesn’t know why he always talks about himself in the third person.

Hey, I just realized that this season of 24 is going to be its seventh. That’s right, it is now officially 24

Despite my nostalgic love for his movies, I think I just realized that John Hughes is actually a pretty terrible filmmaker.

I’m constantly amazed with how many people avidly look forward to my updates. It’s humbling, really. Or possibly the opposite of humbling.

They say youth is wasted on the young, but I say experience and financial stability is wasted on the old.

From now on, the memo line on all of my checks will say, “this note is illegal tender.”

Dessert-adjusted utility, not desert-adjusted utility. I think I’ve been living my life all wrong.

From everybody to grandmother inclusive is wearing this outfit.

Dear basketball fans, I hereby register my favour for the team whose name I have conveniently displayed prominently on my chest.

My life is so cyclical that this quote scares me: “That is the nature of tragedy – That it just keeps going on.” -David Simon

I have too many resolutions and not enough resolve.

“What’s it like being bipolar?” “Oh, it has its ups and its downs.”