So I looked through a few fantasy novels the other day at my girlfriend’s place. She’s a lovely girl: beautiful, smart, funny, talented and well read. I can only assume that fantasy novels were the closest thing to crack she…

Foods not covered under the five-second rule: Pasta-based foods including lasagna, ravioli, hot pizza and any pastaish beverages. Soup. Liquid mercury, sulfuric acid and all other deadly materials. Liquids. Jello. Yogurt, pudding. Ice cream. Buffalo wings, ribs. Enchiladas. Cold cuts…

Is that horrible, horrible error message finally off my page? And I only had to delete all of my site statistics and forgo the possibility of storing any more, ever? I have only one thing to say: “Par-tay!!!” (this message…

This is, literally, right off the wire: Men with older brothers more likely to be gay WASHINGTON (AP) — All that testosterone doesn’t necessarily make a man straight. In fact, having several older brothers increases the likelihood of a man…

Why am I a vegetarian again? I don’t know if I remember the original reason, nor do I have any reasons of my own left.. I ordered a bean burrito just now at the local taco box (I laughed at…

Scene: Pixel designs a “National Roundup” page with news from all over the country. Because the wire isn’t so discriminatory, one of the stories is about Iraq and troubles in Baghdad. Pixel doesn’t think much of it and prints the…

Welcome to Clovis. In the 90 days we spend together, you will deal with incompetent overconfidence, inadequate computers and programs, miscommunication, discommunication, and remiscommunication all of which will be someone else’s fault, but you will still have to clean up…

I’m back at home for a day or so, using my mum’s internet and– jeez! I could bake a cake in the time it takes to search Quark’s forums. I think I’ll just go back and use the free high-speed…

So I created a new Myspace. (www.myspace.com) Now, I hate myspace, so I didn’t feel like redoing my profile. Instead, I decided to let all my friends do it. I posted my e-mail address and password on my blog and…

(This is from an e-mail I sent some months ago. I’d hoped to be able to use it later, but have yet to find a place for it, so enjoy.) So I decided to buy a bike in the vain…

There is no privacy in the constitution. There’s no need. When the constitution was written, in order to suitably violate someone’s privacy, you had to be a sick, muckraking busybody. Then a justifiably forgotten Frenchman named Joseph Nicephore Niepce invented…

A tip for reading this blog: even when I’m serious, I’m not serious. I don’t believe half of the stuff I say nor would I defend it. Half of the beauty of a blog is that you get a chance…

Stage 1: Disbelief. Stage 2: Anger. Stage 3: Bargaining. Stage 4: Acceptance. What they really need is a step 5: you get your way and all the bad things go away. P.S. (5.5.2006) The last line is a joke. I…

Hi Carlos, We have received your request to cancel your MySpace account. In order to complete the cancellation process, please click on the link below: If you have problems cancelling your account, please click the link below: We…

Well, I’ve neglected you all semester because I cared more about doing a good job at work than having friends or a family or a social life or a relationship. And the posts I did that were simply me trying…

Arbitrary pushing of carnival rather than a legitimate post. 🙂 Soon, kiddos, soon… Vote for me. I’m the funny one.

My brother knocked up his wife. I’m going to be an uncle. Again. (oh, wait, was that a family secret? Damn! I’m really bad about keeping those..)

Just now I wrote a nice lengthy excuse to get out of jury duty. Something about how Jesus said don’t judge other people blah blah. It’s all very complicated, and I’m sure you aren’t after hearing the details. Lord knows,…

I miss Ex_cal. I would look forward to his updating my blog. I wonder whatever happened to him…

Wow, I made $1.09 just for having all of my money tied up in my checking account and not touched for four months! I feel like I’m an investment guru. I’m a monetary genius! I’ve MADE money by wisely deciding…

“Persons.”  For a moment, I was angry at the fact that people thought such a concept existed. I mean, multiple persons are people, right?  Not quite. See, we use ‘people‘ when we’re talking about the masses:  People say, people do,…

People! C’mon already. Honestly. What the F? Needs. For class, just a quote. Yes, just a quote. But noooo…. What interview? What survey? None. A dozen answers, no complete thoughts. Complete sentences make journalism so much easier. So please, people,…

There’s a definite advantage to having a specialized blog. Namely, the lack of a feeling of inferiority. I never feel that. Sometimes, I think this blog is the exact opposite of specialized. Generalized if you will (or specialised and generalised…

In 2000, my brother and his friends Gilbert, Sergio, and Richie moved into an apartment together. Six months later, my brother left the house and only remained friends with Gilbert, who also moved out. In 2002, my friends Miguel, Pamela,…

ickh ickh Note: The preceding post was typed by my friend Miguel while messing with my computer’s dashboard and the “Word Press Dash” widget. Despite all outside appearances, it is not a statement of my great dislike for elderly people…

Watch this. Now watch this. Now tell me they can’t get away with changing Shadowcat between X-2 and X-3. This is part of an awesome experiment at the University of Illinois. To see something else that’s awesome, check out this…

Tell me if this would be a bad idea for an April Fools prank: Text message, 12:01 a.m. April 1, 2006: You were robbed, he had a gun. Your mum was home alone, they just took her to the hospital.…

The Fermi Paradox is a physical paradox that was brought to light by a simple question posed by the physicist Enrico Fermi when speculating about the existence of technologically advanced civilizations within the observable universe, and exactly how common they…

Hello and welcome new denizens to another classic column by your very own Gabriel O’Beaver Leibowitz. As you are well aware, next week shall be New Mexico College of Agriculture and Mechanic Arts’ March week off from school (Go NM…

So you’re over 21? Well, for the sake of this document, I will assume you’re way over 21. We’re talking 21 being ‘oh back then!’ So lets say you’re actually mature. Actually, fuck it, you’re old. OLD. OLD. And so…

Here is a list of short, bullet point tips for you academics out there who wish to impart your obviously extensive knowledge to those people out there in the world. Don’t be afraid to reference yourself. This may seem… hmm…

Gabe the Notorious Beaver, 18, passed away Sunday from congenital heart failure and dehydration caused by chronic, explosive diarrhea. He was 21. Beaver, widely recognized for his record-worthy control of his flatulence and butt-gustingly hilarious columns in local and international…

So I have a table of 12 people for a hypothetical dinner party, from anyone on earth, ever, fictional or no. Jesus, Nietzsche, Buddha, Heidegger, Descartes, David Hume, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Sun Tzu, Chuang Tzu, Lao Tzu, and Satan…

Ahh there’s nothing quite like a new mobile (or ‘cell’ for you people from that land filled with people who assume that the ‘u’ in ‘colour’ is superfluous). The smell. The feel in the hand. The way it seems to…

If you’re like me, then you’re a 6-foot-something white guy (with great hair) from Australia, who’s writing a blog post at the very second. However, if you’re similar to me, then you’re probably just white. Now I’m sure the next…

If you are reading this, odds are you are a struggling author. I too know the pains of waking up daily and having to use ‘words’ to craft ‘…things’. But worry not! If you can read this, you’re already halfway…