Fayetteville is weird.
Fayetteville is weird. I thought i was going the wrong way because all the signs weren’t facing me, but they all said ‘wrong way.’
I know there are mad scientists, but are there any furious scientists?
I know there are mad scientists, but are there any furious scientists?
She blinded me with science: hydrochloric acid.
She blinded me with science: hydrochloric acid.
In Georgia.
In Georgia. No Russian tanks yet. Good. Got that, Russia? Wait till i get out of Atlanta to resume bombing activitiez.
I’d die for free speech, but i’d prefer to speak for free life.
I’d die for free speech, but i’d prefer to speak for free life.
I can take a kick to the groin like a man: huddled over gasping for air and weeping slightly.
I can take a kick to the groin like a man: huddled over gasping for air and weeping slightly.
When i end up in prison, facing imminent torture and death, i want to write my seminal work exploring the human condition: The Fluffy Pi .
When i end up in prison, facing imminent torture and death, i want to write my seminal work exploring the human condition: The Fluffy Penguin.
Louisiana just gave me the boot.
Louisiana just gave me the boot. Remind me to avoid florida.
Wow, i’ve made it to central texas and not died yet.
Wow, i’ve made it to central texas and not died yet… I think that’s a bad omen.
SO LONG, SUCKERS!!
I mean that in the nicest of ways. 94. I was never a very black & white kind of person, but I definitely believed there were fewer shades of grey. I guess getting older has taught me that most things…
My mom says I shouldn’t pack the fine China with the bowling balls, I say she’s being too pessimistic
93. Apparently, when things get serious in an interpersonal/emotional way, I respond by telling jokes. I’m not emotionally unavailable— honest!— I just think that many times these trains of thought make people sad, so I have to constantly pull over…
I think I just got engaged via text message .
I think I just got engaged via text message … And I wouldn’t put it past either of us to go through with it… Heh, tres magnifique.
If she had asked me this time last year, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
If she had asked me this time last year, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
My stupid, stupid cousin: “My cell phone doesn’t know how to spell enough.
My stupid, stupid cousin: “My cell phone doesn’t know how to spell enough. Look: E-N-U-F-F. It doesn’t even give it as an option!”
There’ll be time enough to sleep when I’m dead… which will happen soon enough if I don’t go to sleep soon
92. My head is a perfect sphere, to counteract this, I cut my hair in a very top-heavy way. Also, I grow facial hair… all three and a half whiskers of it. The last line of this post, which I…
The score to beat is 2
91. I am not competitive by nature. By which I mean I am, I just win all the time, so I have to pretend I’m not. My friend Frank came up with a fabulous thought experiment: In a given month,…
Why does everybody love Pixel?
90. I’ve never made more than $7 an hour… yeah, I was getting ripped off for years, then I graduated and couldn’t find a job I liked or that paid well. I’m ashamed of that. Dear World, So… I’m back. …
Just saw Paris Hilton’s ad and.
Just saw Paris Hilton’s ad and… it was okay, I guess. More than anything, it’s just hilarious that it’s news.
Another Way to Avoid Getting Mugged
Here’s another strategy. It requires: No will to live Assume you’re about to get mugged. Step 1. Pull the pin to a grenade. Step 2. Hold it up and stare into the eyes of death. Step 3. Grin ear-to-ear menacingly.…
I propose a new term: subacquaintances.
I propose a new term: subacquaintances. That is, people that send you application requests and pokes on facebook.
I am now in a plane.
I am now in a plane. Take THAT aeronautical safety!
Wanna see what I’ve been doing during my vacation?
89. When I was 14 I made a conscious decision to be honest and stop making up stories. As a direct result, I’ve become a terrible, terrible liar. … And now, back to semi-retirement.
loo? os s? s???
loo? os s? s???
Why is it that the teacher’s lecture in any given movie is always directly related to the plot of the movie?
Why is it that the teacher’s lecture in any given movie is always directly related to the plot of the movie?
I will trade problems with anyone.
I will trade problems with anyone. ANYONE. Sight unseen. Message me for information
I need a gay friend I can share all of my secrets with.
I need a gay friend I can share all of my secrets with. Any applicants? We offer basic medical and are willing to train on the job.
Have you ever shared a secret with the absolute WRONG person? Yeah.
Have you ever shared a secret with the absolute WRONG person? Yeah……….. so it goes
I once beat myself senseless in shadowboxing.
I once beat myself senseless in shadowboxing.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Can I swear here? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Dear World: I’m beginning to think Mark Twain was a jackass.
Dear World: I’m beginning to think Mark Twain was a jackass. ALSO: All may have been discovered, I might have to flee the country.
‘C’ for Cookie
88. I am a citizen of the world, but only two countries recognize my nationality: Mexico and the U.S. So weird. What’s this? Am I eating a cookie? How did that come about? Well, I’m glad you ask, World. See,…
My mom just sent me a friend request on hi5.
My mom just sent me a friend request on hi5… I think I’m going to go ahead and hang myself now.
Rigid Definitions
87. I’m afraid of waiters, secretaries, and janitors. Seriously. They have so much power over such a small area of your life that I fear angering them.
So the final Michigan compromise is EXACTLY what they had agreed to two WEEKS ago? Wow.
So the final Michigan compromise is EXACTLY what they had agreed to two WEEKS ago? Wow. Lame.
110O!
86. I wore braces all of senior year in high school and into my first semester of college. I don’t know why, though, because my teeth were never that bad. I guess I just wanted to fit in. Hey, last…
Holy friggin’ toot! I’m 25 now!! (Again!)
Holy friggin’ toot! I’m 25 now!! (Again!)
I put the ‘fist’ in ‘pacifist.
I put the ‘fist’ in ‘pacifist.’
“How’s the family?” needs to be a better question.
“How’s the family?” needs to be a better question. Seriously. I’m tired of answering ‘my mom likes soup and my brother plays WoW.’
I’m in Mexico and I have neon lemon hair.
I’m in Mexico and I have neon lemon hair. Could life be any more perfect?
I’ve been single for too long.
I’ve been single for too long. My lies are getting terrible.
Punching Elderly Pigeons
84. I get really into board games. This is probably a bad thing. Actually, I get into games really easily. I just get tired of them as soon as I beat them. That’s probably not a bad thing. I’ve been…
When i look in the mirror i don’t want to look good.
When i look in the mirror i don’t want to look good. I want to LAUGH.
So, I’m drawing a 11 y.
So, I’m drawing a 11 y.o. girl for a comic. Umm… What do girls wear?
There, there, shut up little girl.
83. I’ve gone to the ER far more times than I’d care to remember. But I’ve never stayed overnight at a hospital. Doctors scare me.
I figured out what I’m doing wrong: I sleep till noon, get tired, have too much caffeine, and stay up till five.
I figured out what I’m doing wrong: I sleep till noon, get tired, have too much caffeine, and stay up till five. I’m a java vampire.