Oh, what the hell? Might as well go for gold. The following is made up on the spot (or as close to the spot as I can get) so as to not lose face to Seth, who threatens to steal…

Hey Gabe, Do you want to write a review of Conception Day 2005? Were you there? Circa. 400 words. Can’t promise to publish it – but if you are as good as you say you are – then I prob.…

1: Have you ever seen Total Recall? 2: Yeah, but I can’t remember it. Oh my gosh! I need SPF 40, they have 60 Watt lightbulbs in there! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is two…

Have I ever told you all about my hidden racism towards white people? I mean, I don’t hate all white people, just whitey in general. But I say it like I do. I go around Klansmen and make jokes that…

And now, an argument for why these phrases should be said. “You can trust me.” — Picture the following situation: Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are fighting vampires that have cornered them into a treehouse from which there is no…

Gabe the Recursive Beaver here with the question of the week: who would win in a hacky-sack match to the death between Spiderman and Daredevil? Think about that when you’re living your boring, boring life and doing you’re boring, boring…

Simp: You’re terrible to study with! Pixel: I know, why do you think I never try it! You can’t leave him alone! You know how he gets when he’s by himself! He just eggs himself on! And now, to go…

Have you ever just wanted to be rude and yell at someone for no reason? I mean, they haven’t done anything to you, but that’s the problem. You want to rattle their cages, but you don’t really want them to…

So I drove in Australia yesterday. Yup. Me. After that mysterious and carefully ignored incident, I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to let me drive, but alas, someone was too tired to know better and let me.It’s funny…

“You can trust me.” — if you actually could trust them, you wouldn’t need to say that, now would you? “Can I kiss you?” — girls understand this a lot more than guys. Would that you could say it, but…

Quoth the Gabe: ‘you know who I hate? People who say “you know who I hate” then go on to describe an irrelevant characteristic or mannerism. That’s not a who, that’s a what! If you’re going to hate someone for…

*suspiro* Moofruot, you’ve done me in. I’ve never read anything deeper or more insightful… “A sheep–if it eats little bushes, does it eat flowers, too?” “A sheep,” I answered, “eats anything it finds in its reach.” “Even flowers that have…

Hmm… I’ve been getting an awful lot of SPAM-like commenting. So far, I’ve refused to go to any of the websites listed on the count that real people wouldn’t put their website addresses up unless they just wanted hits and…

Ah, September 19th. A day of special significance to everyone in the world, but especially to me. You see, September 19th is the International Talk Like a Pirate Day. A day in which everyone around the world puts down their…

Yeah, long live conception day. So it turns out that, after hanging around people I didn’t want to talk to, meeting and chasing people I did, and being ignored or overly attended by everyone else, I finally finished Conception Day.…

Tao of Gabe Gabe the Noumenal Beaver here to give you a lesson in coping. See, this semester I lost all government help for my education so I moved in with a trio of loveable, if flawed, human beings. Stop…

Huzzah! I found two psychological textbooks yesterday: Social Psychology and Personality.I stress the Psychology part of Social Psychology. It’s not Sociology. Sociology sucks and you will never hear me say any different (unless I’m making up my own definition of…

So I’m coming up with my own language now. I finally grew tired of seeing all the stupid letter shapes we have to deal with (j, s, e, f, g, et cetera), and decided to design my own alphabet. Every…

Don’t you just hate it when you write a beautiful piece of work and somebody else gets all the credit? Eh, Drew? What do you think of that? Wouldn’t that suck if it happened to you?

So Seth pwned me. He’s at 5000 while I’m at a lowly 4100. You know what this means, don’t you? 1: Project? That’s right, Pinky, it’s time for Web Sweeps. The goal is to get up to 5000 hits by…

Thanks for the email Gabe, I’m reading bits of your website as I get the chance. Are you a Mac student? Word length for articles – full page 600 words – half page is half that. Karl.

Wow. They finally reached Cooper’s Creek on April 21, only to find the camp abandoned. There was a message cut into a tree “DIG 3 FEET N.W.”. They did so, and found some supplies, and a letter explaining that the…

Am I the only one that gets radical enjoyment out of going through my archives? I mean, I’ve written some pretty radical stuff. Never mind that the things I seem to prefer are always the things that get 0 to…

Damn it. Sometimes I wish people would start rumours about my sexual orientation.When I first started college, my friends and I would always hang out together and poke fun at each other. Two of the common staples involved the hidden…

I couldn’t help but overhear that you wanted to add some humour to your wonderful publication. Look no more! I, Gabe the advice-giving Beaver am here to help. Perhaps you’ve seen my work in Panther Tracks, Carver’s BT, the Pix…

Tao of Gabe Gabe the Rhetorical Beaver here with a lesson in ‘Ninja Speak.’ The idea of ninja speak is to leave your opponent rubbing his proverbial bum from a verbal shellacking that he is reasonably sure came from your…

Okay, fine! I admit it, I’m not Pixel Q. Styx. I am an impostor! The real Pixel lost use of his facial hair in the Battle of Valmy. I was his best friend throughout the war because he always had…

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Copernicus decide that we weren’t at the center of the Universe? Ptolomy was the one that believed that the Universe conformed to us. So when any random douche says he wants to instill…

Tao of Gabe Gabe the Inconspicuous Beaver here to try to quell the flames of hatred. It seems there has been a ‘controversy’ over the rumors of the proposed changing of NMSU’s mascot. Of course, if my information is wrong…

(in a debate between two candidates) Candidate #1: … and that is my plan. Any questions? Reporter: Yes, aren’t you a douche? Candidate: No, I am not. Reporter: Let me rephrase that, Is it not true that you are a…

Everywhere I go, I inspire people to wonder “Just who the hell is he?” or “Who the hell does he think he is??” I blame the middle initial. If I were Pixel A., nobody would take me seriously. “Pixel A.?…

Gabe: You win the humor columnist competition (the other guy chickened out at the mere mention of competition). You get to write a humor colum for every Thursday issue of the paper. If you can have each one sent to…

So it turns out that of all the things René Descartes came up with (Cartesian geometry, dualism, several whopping good recipes), his most basic principle is also the most hotly contested. Cogito, ergo sum. which, roughly translated, is: I think,…

I’m having a thought and it goes a little something like this: Good vision was once a genetically selectable trait. In other words, if you had bad vision, you died or had a greater chance of dying. People that had…

Proof that I am truly in Australia is below the fold..

It turns out Roommate #4 objects to her name. Ha ha. It’s funny, really, because she’s the reason I started numbering them. She would never be around and I would be like, “hey, where’s the fourth roommate?” But she doesn’t…

As a Level Six Philosopher in a Level Ten Philosophy class (Immanuel Kant was a real pissant..) I realized how much like a Role Playing Game my life was. So much so, in fact, that I decided to make an…