Some jerk submitted a response to my letter in the Round Up. Okay, that doesn’t make them a jerk. Using my name, however, does. I’m so p.o.ed I could repost their letter here and bold all the mispelled words, grammar…

I tell thee. Crime is tough. I want out. My soul needs a hug.

I’ve been alternately p.o.’d and happy all day. And often concurrently. I was printed in the school paper (link missing, they’ve not yet updated the site, the slow-pokes). I released the Arts & Sciences Newsletter. I spent several hours writing…

Some things people say that make me wish I had a Sterilizing Ray: “The biggest misconception of all times is that this country was founded under the basis of freedom. It most certainly was not. It was founded under God.”…

Napoleon Dynamite is NOT DEAD. Shut up, don’t say he is. Don’t ask me about it. He’s fine. Jon Heder did NOT die in a car accident. I don’t know how this got started, but the people who passed it…

I’m a genius, people, it takes a lot of work to pull one over on me. Especially with unsound arguments. From now on, any time someone’s argument fails, I’ll take two karma points from them.

The problem with being a caring jackass is that sometimes you care too much to make fun, yet you do it anyway. It’s sort of a self-effacing jackassiness. Sorry everyone. I don’t mean to do it, I just see opportunities…

Oh Haley, dear Haley. You 16-year old chick Sagittarius who is currently unemployed in the lucrative fashion field of Wenatchee, Washington!! I tried to be considerate, but I did Fail-ee, So now I’m writing a poem to express my utmost…

Dear Readers, Boy is life ever difficult for your learned best beaver friend Gabie. I’ve been reading the encyclopedia for about a month now and boy, are humans ever dull! Nothing but sex, violence, and immorality. I feel like I’m…

I’m leaving the country to dispose of some “evidence” now. I’ll be back Tuesday if I’m back at all. I don’t mean to worry you, but WE’RE ALL IN MORTAL DANGER!!!! So… see if you can get along without me.…

“i’m a republican. (i think) im for the tax cuts.” Okay. Let’s analyze that: From the Christian Science Monitor: “Budgets are moral documents, providing a framework for laying out priorities and values,” says Yonce Shelton, public policy director for Call…

Yup. Today is a slow Me news day. These kinds of days do happen, we kid you not. So no major posts except for me whining about how I’m such a jerk to my mom without meaning to be sometimes.…

Dear Gabe: I have this friend who has this advice blog, you see, but he doesn’t allow anonymous comments on it, so the many people wanting advice, but don’t want their ideas known end up going to some other blog.…

I used to be popular. I never knew why. I’ve never tried or cared. And now I’m not popular anymore, but not for any change in my part– just the nature of college. And I understand why I’m not popular…

Have you ever accidentally posted something on another blog without meaning to? It makes you feel silly. Boy, this being a contributing author to multiple blogs is confusing. Update (midnight): Drew came up with an awesome meme, me thinks. Let’s…

I’ve taken the liberty to spell check this passage. The tally is as follows: Justin: 32 spelling mistakes, 14 grammar mistakes, and 18 overuses of “1337 Speak” Drew: 5 spelling mistakes, and 2 overuses of “1337 Speak” (an overuse is…

Over the next few weeks, we’ll be adding some of Gabe’s brilliant ::scoff, scoff:: advice from years past. Hopefully, this will help you get a better idea of just who Gabriel Donovan David Deringer Dwight Beaver is.. I’m positive he…

Dear Gabe, My cousin has a nose picking disorder, and recently it has become chronic. He told me that he had a mission to find his brain. I’m concerned for his disorder, and was wondering what could aide my cousin…

This is a blog for our very own advice giving beaver, Gabe. Gabe shall be posting on here soon. But till then, give us some time to mess with the html.

Am I the only one that thinks it’s insulting to time the people’s acceptance speeches? And even more insulting to not let some of the less entertaining people go up to the stage? And who watches the entire show? More…

I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a…

So I hear about this kid whose life’s been ruined, right? And I see this link to this website that has this cool (hideously slow to download) game. Then I remember another game that we used to play last year……

So I’m a contributor at another blog now. Crazy. Who would ask me to contribute anything. I’m still surprised they let me edit the Arts & Sciences Newsletter.. and tutor kids in classes I’ll never take.. and walk around with…

Has anyone ever heard of Portales, New Mexico? Unless you’re Alethea or you severely enjoy reading maps (and lets face it– who doesn’t?), you probably haven’t. Portales is six hours away. Portales is betwixt Clovis and Roswell. Surely you’ve heard…

“hey pix, would you mind explaining to me who you are??? ive seen your comments, and its like another helen/larry!” “Don’t you think we should invite Pix to this blog?” ” i’ve been wondering… who are you prof pixel???” “that…

GRRRAAAAA!!!!! I posted something yesterday. I did. But because I posted it from on campus, it never went through and I lost my work. It was a funny post, too. It was. But now my 31 day streak is broken.…

Go to this site, then click on Emblems and go down to the “Procreate Emblem.” Yeah. If you order that for me, I’ll be your best friend.

Check this out: “I should like to create a perfect world where transportation prices are inversely proportional to the passenger’s wit. Carlos, you’d be travelling for pennies.” Ideally, I’d say something witty about it, but I’m 3 for 18. Let…

Listening to Sublime’s version of “No Woman No Cry” makes me cry like a woman.

The B-52s… They speak to me, you know? Right here. Man they’re deep! (anybody who was expecting a more entertaining, or more often occuring series of posts has been reading this blog too much)

This post makes it at least one post per day every day for four weeks. P.S. By reading this post, you give up all rights to correct me in any stories I tell in public that you may have read…

I’ve decided to start tempting Death. No more seat belt for me. I’ll also stop checking my blind spot when I’m driving alone and probably a whole host of other things. In a related note, I just figured out that…

Drew Carey is good, and I suppose Daria and Chucky & co. are good choices as well. Jerry Springer, though, is technically not a fictional character. Still, I maintain that there just aren’t many characters with glasses in entertainment. So,…

Harry Potter, Napoleon Dynamite, Hank Hill, Eliza Thornberry, Peter Griffin, and Dexter. That is all, and most of them are cartoon characters or aimed at little kids. Find me another main character in anything that wears glasses and keeps them…

I’m trying this new only-one-post-a day thing. How’s it working? Update: This post is really just a McGuffin. But enough about that, on to another thing… Look! A Red Herring! Updated Update: As per my implied promise in an implied…

Will the lucky number 1000 please comment? You can check what number visitor you are at the very bottom of this page. I’ll give the person a nice, shiny dollar if they do.

I’m in a class of 21 students right now. We’re dividing into debate teams (of three). Somehow, there are seven complete groups without me. I can’t understand how, in an evenly divisible class, I still ended up being the odd…

I sort of need to figure out who is going to be the next person I pseudo-interview in a column called the “Philosopher’s Stone.” Given the following: Socrates, (Professor Albus Dumbledore),* (A lump of talking Play-Doh), (A future version of…

To all those that would seek to label me: Stop it! It’s annoying! I know it makes you feel fulfilled to not have to worry about my point of view if you think you understand it, but seriously… I am…

This is long, but Oh, so worth it. What rankles me is the non-stop, continuous nature of this thing. If it’s not the Halliburton scandal, the AWOL scandal, “with us or against us”, “crusade”, “axis of evil”, “WMD”, cutting veterans…